Island agony

Have you ever been in a crowded room and felt as if you were on a deserted island? The feeling of loneliness seemed to permeate my whole body. I know I wasn’t really alone, the Holy Spirit lives in me today and did then too. I am married and have been for the past 21 years to a wonderful and loving husband. We raised three children in a busy house and volunteered our time at church. How, you ask, could I possibly have been lonely?

I tried so hard not to let the internal struggle I was experiencing show. In hind sight, that was a silly notion. People could see I was struggling, they just didn’t say anything and probably, the real truth of the matter was they didn’t know what to say. My struggle caused me to withdraw creating an impermeable layer around me which moved with  me as I walked through life. It got bigger and bigger until I really was an island. No one could reach me through my agony.

The struggle of living just seemed to great. I was adrift emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Unable to communicate honestly with myself, or anyone else, I continued to close in on myself. Sure that defense was the best offense and I would be able to protect myself I had actually left myself defenseless. The firey darts of the evil one easily pierce the best armor a human can create. I had cast aside my spiritual armor with distaste and created my own, believing I was better able to equip myself and protect myself than my God and Savior.

I could hear myself screaming. No one came, no one heard.

I was so wrong. On my island I watched my life pass by. I did not participate, I was there but not present in the moment. Oh, I had a smile on my face when appropriate and I could make a pretty good show. But it was fake, on the inside I was screaming for someone, anyone to get me off this island. To come alongside in my pain, to ask how my island life was working out for me. No one ever did.

If I see you suffering on an island of your creation, I will stop and talk to you. I will accept you where you are and love you. I will hope you will invite me to your island and thus begin the process of finding your way back to those who love you.

This is one of the most difficult journeys I have made. It took me a long time to see my island really wasn’t deserted. I had simply moved everyone to the edge and was standing in the center as far from them as I could get. They were waiting for me to become willing to share my pain and admit I needed help. It was a slow process and one I hope never to go through again.

Please know you are not alone–even though you may feel like you are on a deserted island.

4 thoughts on “Island agony

  1. Renae, you are a very intelligent woman and a good writer. I have enjoyed reading your blogs. This latest one has stirred my heart to reply. I think we all have felt alone at times, even in a crowd. Some of us are extroverts and some introverts and some are just overts ( I don’t know if that is really a word) but different moods on certain days seem to affect how we relate with one another. I can only speak for myself, but I’ve heard enough women say that they don’t feel like they belong or fit in anywhere. I like to socialize, but am married to a quiet man, who would much rather stay home in his easy chair and watch television. But on occasion we will go visit with a group of people like a family gathering or with some church friends. After laughing and hearing each other’s tales, we come away refreshed and alive. I agree with you about the enemy of our souls, that he would like to keep us isolated and attack us with loneliness. Well the Devil is a liar. We do belong. We are loved.we need each other. We can be found. Praying for you to connect and feel a sense of belonging. Maybe I’m reading more into this than is really going on, but know you are not alone in this area. Yes, the Holy Spirit is always with us, but we need to connect with the body of Christ. We find strenghth and comfort in each other’s presence. We are not to different. Love to you, sister in Christ Diane

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    1. Diane, your friendship and prayers are appreciated and I feel so loved. Thank you for your care send concern. This has a bit of truth in feeling disconnected from the body because of our nomadic lifestyle. However, much of it is about a very dark period about 11 years ago. Your concern and your encouragement are appreciated! Praying for you. Your sister in Christ!

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  2. Thanks for this. Yes there are days that i do have this. I have not dealt with things in the past that i should have just bottled it up inside. Well you know the saying the past will catch up to you. Well it did. It knocked me down, but instead of staying down i decided to get the help that i need with out taking any meds. I go to a spiritual adviser and she gives me the tools i need in order to get through the tough waves. Im grateful for this.

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